Urban Drool

You know that it’s been indescribably tough for me, being back at work.

You know that most days I am pretty miserable, being away from her.

You know that I have been determined to make breastfeeding a success – I’ve been talking about it from the time I was barely pregnant.

You know that I love to nurse her. That she loves to be nursed. That it’s the only thing I feel I have right now that is exclusively mine. Other people watch her. Other people care for her. Other people dress her in her little clothes and take her places while I am away. Other people rock her, comfort her, play with her, talk to her. I am so happy that she is so well cared for. I am so happy that you and our other family members are able to spend so much time with her, grow close and bond.

So other people feed her, yes, but not nurse her. That’s mine.

You know that I have been really upset lately at seeing my milk supply start to diminish. I know that you have been giving her several ounces of formula a day. I know that the 7-8 ounces of breastmilk that I struggle to pump and leave in the fridge isn’t enough to get her through until 5:30. It hurts to pump. My skin is pinched and raw. My breasts are always hurting. My nipples are cracked and even bleed a little bit sometimes. But I still do it. I HAVE to do it.

Because if I cannot stop my milk supply from diminishing, it’s going to disappear completely. And then there will be one more thing tacked onto the ever-growing list of “things that I was unable to do for my baby.” Just stick it right underneath “give her a gentle birth” and “stay home and be there for her, every moment of every day of her tiny, fleeting baby-hood.”

Knowing all this, why in the world would you think that it was a good idea to remind me that, becuase I went back to work, I am now completely unable to keep up with her enormous appetite? That I did “the hardest part” and it’s over now…just because she is starting to develop her own immune system? That she’s “past the time where you are vital. She is getting to a point where formula and cereal are OK.”

That “really, all the nursing means now is cost-effectiveness.”

Cost-effectiveness?
And me nursing her is just not important anymore?
…the hell???????

She is only 3 ½ months old! How can you NOT see that your words were like tiny little daggers being dragged through my heart?

I know that hurting me was not your intention at all. That you didn’t really think about how that conversation would make me feel. Maybe you think that you were alleviating my guilt that I cannot exclusively feed my own baby.

But seriously. The fact that every other sentence of yours started with “I know you don’t want to hear this but…” or “I know that you don’t want me to say this but…” might have clued you in that you were about to make me feel very worthless and upset.