Urban Drool

If you were to see me these days, you would have to physically restrain yourself from attacking me and using my tasty, firm young flesh for your carnal purposes. I am THAT sexy and desirable.

Exhibit A: My body handles the extreme heat with such ease and grace that I am constantly red, shiny and very, very wet. Sweat is constantly soaking into my clothes, and this morning? I was so sweaty and nasty (even having JUST gotten out of the shower) that my deodorant was not even able to adhere to the skin under my arms, and instead just formed little white balls and rolled away. And no, I am not joking.

Exhibit B: My long, thick black hair that is roughly the texture and smoothness of the tail of your average Kleidsdale is in a constant state of dryness, frizziness and split-ended-ness. Thus, it is constantly in a bun or half-falling apart braid.

Exhibit C: I? Have not shaved my legs in 4 days. I? Am still wearing skirts and capris, because it is just TOO FUCKING HOT to wear anything else.

Exhibit D: The random spurtage and leakage of milk from my boobs has ceased and desisted, yet in it’s place there seems to be a slow and steady drip from my right nipple. This means that my boob is always slightly damp and I am always smelling not-so-vaguely of spoiled milk.

Exhibit E: My pasty-white and giggly legs are covered in half-infected bug bites and the backs of my heels are scraped and scabbed and have the feel of old, cracked leather.

Exhibit F: The red nail polish on my toes is at least 2 months old and is so flaked and random that it looks instead like someone has bled drops of blood all over my toes.

Exhibit G: My eyebrows and upper lip need plucked so badly that I am starting to scare small children. And my dog.

But the MOST ATTRACTIVE part of the wondernous that is me is the “real” period that I have been suffering with for the past 5 days. Yeah. That time a couple months ago when I told you all that I started cycling again? Yeah. Not so much. Just some minor spotting. Lady luck found me for real last Saturday night.

And I? Ended up going through nearly and entire box of SUPER absorption tampons within the first 72 hours. It was that bad. And that painful.

I know…I know…I am just so amazingly sexy and desirable that you almost cannot contain yourselves.

Personally, I don't know how the Boy can even stand to share the same living space with me these days.

Hopefully, when the heat finally breaks I will find the energy and reason to shave, pluck, paint, trim and scrub my way back into the land of feminine decency.

But for now? Gah.