Urban Drool

I am floating around - I think my whole family is in some kind of transitional phase right now, and we have not yet landed. The Boy, the baby and I had to achieve a new normal when we first got home from the hospital, a new(er) normal when I returned to work, and we are now in the throes of yet another shift into another new(er) normal.

We ain't there yet.

And I am having a really tough time.

In truth, I feel bruised and beaten - greatly disheartened. For weeks now, I feel like everything I say and everything I do annoys/angers/embarreses/just plain pisses of my husband. The rolled eyes, exasperated sighs, stormy silences and outright bursts of anger are running rampant from him right now. It's as if I am a constantly misbehaving 5 year old and he is the unfortunate sod whose job it is to babysit and correct/chastise me.

In his eyes, I don't clean the house the "right" way: the way he does.

Ditto for feeding the baby.

and soothing the baby.

and shopping for household goods.

and dealing with trying to find a new job.

and speaking to him in public.

and just generally existing, so it seems.

All of these above things are done (by me) incorrectly.

Everything I do is met with irritation and indignation. I cannot remember the last time I received a completely unsolicited kind word from him. I cannot remember the last time we were driving somewhere in the car and he just reached over and held my hand. Or the last time he approached me, smiled and kissed me and said "thanks."

He will, however, call me and ask me to do a million things for him on any given day. I try and accomplish most of them. And I do get some of them done. But it's the one thing...the ONE thing that I did not manage to do that I hear about ad finitum when I get home.

I know things are tough right now, for both of us. I know that transitioning into a new family dynamic after you have a baby is huge. And difficult. And takes a long time. But I cannot believe that I am REALLY all that irritating, all that incompetant. Am I really that impossible to live with? Am I really that much of a dissapointment?

Between my boss at work, telling me that I am useless and my husband at home who most of the time acts as though he would greatly prefer to not speak to me or even be in the same room with me, my self esteem these days is nonexistant.

It sucks.

I have nothing else to say right now...I don't even have the heart to write a (already way overdue) Pickle Periodical. How very sad.

OK...going to hide in a corner and lick my wounds and be as invisible as I can be...