Urban Drool

Although I have a great deal that I think about these days, I seem to be incapable of putting anything into words.

Everything is so…intermingled lately. I am so joyous and so melancholy. So filled with light and also so very anxious and upset. It’s very confusing and it makes for a very disjointed stream of thought and thus, disjointed writing. But it remains that there is so much I would love to say, like:

how my Lucy has 8 teeth now. 8. And she likes to eat only adult food. How are the days of purred sweet potatoes and mashed banana already gone?

and although we bicker and sometimes act like a couple of snotty, cranky teenagers, my marriage to my Boy brings me such great fun and great joy.

and I hate my job and my boss more than I can express. And how filled with cold shock I was last Friday when she made the last minute decision to not give out holiday bonuses this year. So instead of the $1500 that I was told to expect, I have received nothing.

and how Lucy is trying so hard to walk on her own, and how much she loves the ladies at her day care.

and how I miss my sister so much. She is in Belgium until next June, and how her letters to me are growing more and more distant and cool and her phone calls and email less and less frequent.

and how much I love to see my good friend Nancy so in love with her awesome boyfriend. A single mom with a 7 year old kid and a lousy ex husband and a recently deceased father needs some good cheer, and right now she has it.

and how I need to leave this office and this horrible woman. And how crushingly disappointed I am that I have had several interviews at several law firms and been told by several nice people in charge that I am just “too qualified.”

and how secretly thrilled I am that although my Lucy wants to be a big girl and can understand a joke and shake her head when you ask her a question and knows how to play peek a boo and dances with perfect rhythm she still is enough of a tiny baby that she insists that I wrap her in a blanket and cuddle, rock and nurse her to sleep every night.

and how next year, all will be different. Next year, I will find employment at another office to keep the bills paid for the next 2 years while I prepare to do something totally different with myself.

I think I am going to go back to school part time and get a teacher’s license.

It is abundantly clear to me that I was NOT meant to work in the legal field.

I will go back to school so that one day I can get a classroom in a nice little middle school on some tree lined street somewhere and teach literature. Maybe they’ll even let me start up a Drama Club.

I’m also going to lose at least 40 pounds. 40. By this time next year, I will weigh at LEAST 40 pounds less than what I weigh right now. Because my child, my daughter, this amazing girl who will one day be an amazing woman who will be a part of my life for now and forever will NOT look at me and see unhealthy, out of control eating habits. Nor will she see me with such poor body image issues. She WILL see a healthy, happy and fit mom who thoroughly enjoys eating tasty, healthy, thoughtfully prepared food to nourish her body and soul. Because I no longer am free to do with myself what I wish. I now exist on this earth for someone else, too. And I won’t let her down.

This will be my last post of 2006. Have a great fucking holiday and I’ll see you in 2007!

...and because I am feeling extra grateful for my delicious family these days, I decided to nauseate you lot with posting the picture that we took this year that went on the first ever Christmas cards that I have ever sent out. Ever.

(and for the record, YES they were sent out with an accompanying nauseating "this is what happened to us this year, and how are YOU all doing?" holiday letter. On holiday stationary. That matched the envelope. And the address labels. And the color of the glitter pen with which we signed every single one of the 97 letters that we sent out. I'm very sorry. I just couldn't help myself.)

I know, you totally want to divorce me know, don't you? What with the nauseating-ness of it all.

Anyway, Happy Freaking Holidays. I love you all.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061207/ap_on_re_us/missing_f...

I’m sitting at my desk at work. I’m looking out the window at the golf course behind our building – watching as the snow keeps falling and falling. I’m eating a hot fresh bagel and just started a fresh pot of coffee in the lunchroom.

I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world. Today, I am safe and warm. Today, my husband and my baby are safe and warm. And my heart is breaking for a woman thousands of miles away – a woman whose husband was not safe or warm, but made the ultimate sacrifice in the hope that she and their babies would be.

I feel like I have so much to say about the story of James Kim and his family, but simple words fail me. When I went home last night I spoke briefly about it with the Boy.

“Would you have gone to try and find help? Would you have left?”

“Yes.”

Answered without hesitation. He even looked a little surprised that I asked the question. What else is a man, a father, to do?

This story hit me so close. A young, resourceful, dark haired man. A young father. Named James.

My own Boy, my own young, dark haired James is safe and warm today. I left him and our baby girl tucked into our bed at home with the TV and the heaters going and the snow falling gently outside the bedroom windows.

Thank you for your sacrifice James Kim. I hope against hope that you somehow knew or at least know now that your family, your girls, are safe and warm.