Urban Drool

I just got off the phone with my father, and he informed me that he had just polished off a BOX of Girl Scout Cookies (Thin Mints) and a pot of coffee for his lunch.

He also requested that I not mention this fact to my mother.

Heh.

I feel like I’ve been hit with a tidal wave. My baby, my squdge, the little girl that I fretted over, barfed into my bathroom sink for, lived in daily pain for, am blown away by my love for, is my very reason for existing on this planet, is one year old.

I want so much to write a delightful, tear-provoking, Oscar-worthy post about the past year and how she has changed and how she has stayed the same and how I feel, but I cannot get the words to come through. It’s like trying to describe the most fantastic rainbow or what a hug from someone you haven’t seen in 5 years feels or what it felt like the first time you swam in the ocean or someone you loved said “I love you.”

I do not have nearly enough finesse or a sophisticated grasp of the English language, of simple WORDS, to express my emotions and perspective on the universe in general these days. I find that I don’t even want to try, because I know whatever I do produce will not do my heart and soul justice.

Can I do a bullet point list (how very lame) of some of my thoughts, with the vague promise to try and pen a more substantial, eloquent post in the next week or two?...hey know what? It’s my damn blog and I say “yes.”

- her face is the Boy’s, but her smile is all me
- she loves to eat the oddest things, like a fresh diced tomato and garlic bread
- her continuous attempts at independence are very startling, like how she insists on feeding herself and will not tolerate anyone trying to feed her something on a spoon
- her skin behind her ears and on the fattest swell of her belly are the softest places on earth
- she has recently discovered the joy of banging on the piano. I cannot even sit down on my piano bench without her racing over to me and trying to haul herself up onto the bench next to me, so she can touch the keys too. Being a musician at heart, this makes my heart burst with pride and satisfaction
- her sunny smile when she sees my mom just slays me. I adore my mom, but she and I do have our issues with one another, and seeing my mom through my baby’s eyes is an altering experience. Amazing.
- My unending determination to find a job, any job, that would keep me closer to where she is, give me more hours to spend with her, and bring in more money to take better care of her is something that I feel and use every day
- The only thing the Boy does better than loving me is loving her
- I hope the top of her head always smells the way it has for the past year. It was the first part of her body that I was able to touch and kiss 40 minutes after she was born and it’s the part of her body that I smell and kiss every morning and night. Some primal mama-bear part of me needs to touch, smell and kiss her all over her head at least twice a day or I don’t feel…right. I wonder how long she will let me do this?
- I can’t believe the Boy and I ever lived a life without her. And I can’t yet imagine a life with any other children in it except her. The three of us together are like the most perfect-fitting pair of jeans that you have been looking for your whole life.
- Her favorite thing in world right now is the “E-I-E-I-O” part of the “Old MacDonald” song.
- She also loves to lay on her back naked, bring her feet close to her mouth so she can alternately fit one foot in her mouth and wave the other foot in front of you and say “Hi!” If you don’t answer her and say “Hi” back she will wave at you and scream “HI!” at you until you do.
- When she has had a hard day or isn’t feeling well, the only thing that will soothe her is to lay in between the Boy and I in our bed and nurse from me while reaching behind her to hold the Boy’s finger of a fistful of his hair until she falls asleep

I think you get my point.

I have been alternating between laughing and grinning like a jackal and weeping like a little wussy girl since last Thursday.

I am still in the middle of interviews and paying off bills and trying to get my shit together to really make 2007 be my year. I hope that when the dust settles and I come back down to earth that I will be able to devote more time to regular blogging and reading of blogs.

For the meantime, peace to you all. And thanks for still listening.