Urban Drool

So monumentally depressed.

I have sent out over a dozen resumes in the past 5 weeks.

I received exactly one telephone call in response.

One.

I had the interview last night.

He was such a nice, laid back guy.

In a little law office not even 10 minutes away from my house.

He was willing to let me work on my own files, without a lot of heavy supervision.

He was even willing to have flexible hours. I would have been able to have one more whole day a week to be at home with Lucy.

But…but…

It would have been a pay cut. A small pay cut, but a pay cut nonetheless.

And…and…

No medical insurance of any kind.

So it was unacceptable.

And I turned him down.

And I am seeing endless weeks and months and years of commuting almost 2 hours total every day back and forth to a job I hate for a boss that treats me like a red-headed stepchild for not enough money and did I mention that I only have around 6 “real, awake” hours with the baby per day (at least, when those days are Monday thru Friday)??

I can’t believe I had to turn down this job.

I feel like I am never going to be able to leave the office I am in right now.

My stomach turns into knots when I walk out my door every damn morning.

so. monumentally. depressed.

…he was a very nice man, despite having a penis instead of a ute.

We ended up sitting in his (very lovely Native American themed) office for nearly two hours, just talking. He made me feel very comfortable. We could have been sitting at a coffee shop enjoying some soy lattes, for how easy and free our discourse was. It was nice.

I…don’t know how much I am going to blog (or even speak IRL) about what we did/will talk about. It’s not that I want to keep any secrets or am ashamed, quite the opposite. But, if Wednesday’s appointment was any indication on how future sessions will go, this whole process is going to be very moving and altering, but in a very subtle way. I don’t think I could do justice to this whole thing with just words.

Wednesday was just Part 1 of his “assessment” but he has already started to cobble together a diagnosis of sorts: (I hate using that word, but that’s what he called it)

I have occasional and moderate depression (but it’s not his biggest concern); I do NOT have any type of “actual” Post Partum Depression.
I have a bit of an “adjustment disorder” (again…not a huge deal)
I am presenting with very strong and obvious symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (his biggest concern)

…basically, he said that I am a highly intelligent, well educated, animated and articulate person. I appear to be out going and very kind and, in general, have a rather cheerful outlook on life. But I was unlucky enough to experience a very traumatic and life-threatening event and am more than a little bit freaked out by it.

I told him that I agreed with his assessment. I told him that my biggest goal was to find a way to resolve what happened and finally move past it so that it no longer haunts me or my family and MOST IMPORTANTLY so that it does not “plague” any future pregnancies/childbirths that fate has in store for me.

He agreed with me 100%.

I see him again at the end of the month.

Good.

I found some interesting articles today while I was online. They are from various medical journals. I am (obviously) thinking a lot about this stuff today...with my big therapy appointment being 4.5 hours from now.

Here are some excerpts:

Women's emotional reactions and adjustment to cesarean birth vary widely. Although some women recover fairly quickly and accept the surgical birth as a necessary step to a healthy baby and to becoming a mother, others experience various degrees of sadness, disappointment, anger, violation, loss of self-esteem, guilt, depression, and sometimes post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

It is normal for a mother to appreciate the fact that her birth by cesarean resulted in a healthy baby while still feeling sad, confused, or angry about the experience itself. Mothers who have an unexpected cesarean, have general anesthesia, or are separated from their infants are especially vulnerable. A mother’s satisfaction with her birth experience depends on whether or not she was included in the decisions made on her behalf, if she was treated kindly and with respect by her caregivers, if she received medical interventions she feels were unnecessary, and/or if she felt she was “in control” of her birth.

Friends, family, and even partners of mothers who have had an emotionally difficult cesarean often do not understand why mothers don’t just “move on,” or why they “obsess” about their birth experience. It is important that, whenever you are ready, you find the right time, a safe place, and a person you trust to resolve some of these feelings. It might be weeks, months, or years after your cesarean, or even during a subsequent pregnancy, before you will be able to talk about your birth. If you are planning to have another baby and plan to labor for a VBAC, you will feel better about that pregnancy and birth if you first process your feelings about the difficult cesarean you’ve already experienced. Find out how you might be able to avoid the reoccurrence of those events.

To help you understand and resolve some of your negative feelings:

• Know that you are not alone; many other mothers have felt the same way.

• Trust yourself to know that you are a good mother, even though you may have very confusing feelings about your cesarean-delivered baby.

• Talk to your partner about how you feel without placing blame on his or her role in your baby’s birth.

• Talk to a friend or family member you trust—one who is likely to validate your feelings.

• Write or draw your feelings in a journal.

• Write letters to the people who affected you negatively. You don’t have to mail them.

• Join a cesarean/VBAC support group, or become part of an on-line group of mothers who feel as you do. (See “Support Groups,” under “For More Information.”)

• Unresolved issues can sometimes lead to clinical depression. You might need to seek professional counseling.


Some more...

Emotional Scars of Cesareans: Personal accounts from women who have had a cesarean, as well as emerging research, suggest that despite a healthy baby and a timely physical recovery, some women experience cesarean birth as a traumatic event. An unanticipated cesarean is more likely to increase the risk for postpartum depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As in other traumatic human experiences, the symptoms of birth-related PTSD may emerge weeks, months, or years after the event.{9-11} Women re-experience the birth and the emotions associated with it in dreams or thought intrusions. They avoid places or people that remind them of the event. Some mothers have difficulty relating to their infants, and some will avoid sexual contact that may result in pregnancy. They will also exhibit symptoms of hyperarousal, such as difficulty sleeping or concentrating, irritability, and an excessive startle response. Untreated post-traumatic stress often leads to clinical depression. {12}

Hmm....